The Chronicles of Emperor Elvis the Third
by ddproxcm
Summary: The Teen Titans thought that Trigon and Brother Blood were a challenge, but now, they face their biggest foe yet.


**Disclaimer**: I don't own Teen Titans or DC Comics.

**Author's Note:** Hey everyone! I know it's been a while since I've written anything, but I've had this written out for a while and I just now decided to finish it and post it up. Of course it's still a work in progress (like most of my other writing), but I thought that my fans out there would appreciate the fact that I was still around and not dead...yet. For those of you wondering about "Home" - worry not. It will **not** be abandoned. I'm just having to slowly get back into my creative writing routine.

**AN2: **It's not easy for me to write in first-person perspective; I don't have much experience at it. So in order to get more experience, I decided to write a story in first-person. This is a writing experiment that may be good, it may be bad. Just don't be surprised when you do read it and realize that it isn't in my typical writing style .

**Rating:** I have this marked as T, but there are a couple of curses – not too many though.

**Summary:** The Teen Titans thought that Trigon and Brother Blood were a challenge, but now, they face their biggest foe yet.

* * *

**The Chronicles of Emperor Elvis the Third**

_...I bet you've never seen a Mary-Sue like this..._

_

* * *

_

As I look around the room and take in all of the wreckage, I realize that, I alone, could have avoided it all. I jumped back quickly as sparks from the destroyed computer flew across the living room and I caught the angry glances of all my friends, my teammates; I deserved it. The chewed up sofa…the demolished machinery…the poop in the middle of the floor! – I was to blame for **all** of it; this was **my** mess.

I sighed and looked at my feet in shame, "Sorry guys, this is my fault."

"Damn right it's your fault," Raven brushed her hood back and charged at me. "We've been warning you about this for weeks."

She was right; they had. However the situation wasn't caused by lack of listening, it was caused by my lack of backbone; no cajones.

"Do you have any idea how long it's going to take me to repair all of this?" Victor grumbled as his positioned himself under the mainframe and toggled with some of the wiring. If I didn't know any better, I could have sworn that he was on the verge of tears. "I'm going to have to re-wire everything."

"Look, just work on it the best you can, okay? And let's hope that Garfield can locate -" I was interrupted by a throaty noise that I immediately knew belonged to Kory – my girlfriend for little over five months.

"What is going on in here?" She asked innocently. "Why is the mainframe seemingly out of order?"

How was I supposed to tell her what I – for the sake of the team and our sanity – needed to tell her?

"Is no one going to answer me?" She asked, looking to me for an explanation. I looked around the room and noticed that everyone else just so happened to be looking in my direction as well. I silently cursed myself with a "damn" and licked my lips; this wasn't going to be easy.

"Kory," I gulped. I can't even count the number of times that I've started this conversation and then chickened out at this point. "It's about Elvy."

As she gasped, obviously fearing the worst, my mind rewinds and I begin to remember the first time I ever laid eyes on Emperor Elvis III, aka, Elvy.

* * *

_**Exactly four weeks ago...**_

"Happy Birthday, Robin!" Kory squealed excitedly when she bounded into my room. "You are now seventeen Earth years old!" I had to use my hands to hold down the papers on my desk as she rushed over to me and slung her arms around my neck.

"Thanks, Kory." I had to laugh as she hastily placed multiple kisses on my cheek. "You don't have to call me Robin, you know. We've been dating for four months now; you can call me Dick."

As much as I enjoyed her birthday...greeting...I knew that I needed to get back to work; however, I couldn't bare the thought of sending her away. I wanted to spend every moment that I could with her; not to mention, the scent of her hair was extremely intoxicating. I gently placed my palms against her cheeks and guided her lips to land on mine. It was the best birthday kiss ever.

"I have a gift for you, boyfriend." Kory stood up straight and darted out of the room. I raised my eyebrow and waited in anticipation. When she did come back, I couldn't help but to be in shock.

"It's a ferret." I said as she came at me with it.

"Is that what it is? I did not know its name." Kory smiled at me, causing my heart to absolutely melt. "I saw it in a store downtown and it was the cutest thing that I ever laid eyes upon. I knew I just had to buy him for you!"

I'm not a pet guy; I have way too many responsibilities to add caring for an animal to the mix. But as much as those statements were true, there was no way in hell that I was going to tell _her_ that. No, I needed to act like this was the best gift that I'd ever gotten.

"Wow...it's great, Kory, thank you." I forced out. "What's its name?"

"I was thinking of Emperor Elvis the Third!"

I blinked; that was no doubt the silliest name I'd ever heard of, but again, there was no way that I was telling _her _that. I did want her to keep dating me, after all. "That's a great name Kory; Emperor Elvis III it is."

"Oh, Dick!" Kory shoved Emperor Elvis into my arms and she did it with so much excitement that I made it my mission to prove to her that I loved it. "I am so glad that you enjoy him. He loves you dearly, I can already tell."

I couldn't help but think of how she would ever be able to tell if a ferret loved me or not. It isn't like it can talk; it isn't like its eyes were conveying any sort of emotion.

"Yeah, we are going to be best friends. Dick and Emperor Elvis...we'll be an inseparable team." I realized that after I said it, it had come out to sound way too 'over the top', but lucky for me, Kory bought every word of it.

"Maybe I can make him a little Batman outfit?" She giggled. I loved the sound of her giggle, I mean, her idea was absurd and definitely out of the question, but I kept my mouth shut tightly; at that moment, I would have done anything to keep her happy.

She smiled at me and walked toward the door, which indicted to me that she was leaving me and my new pet to get acquainted with one another; it wasn't anything I was particularly looking forward to. I would much rather have been with her than Emperor ferret, but I could tell that she'd already made her decision. "Bye Elvy!"

After she left the room, I looked down at 'Elvy' and groaned; then, he fucking bit me and I knew that life with the rodent, wasn't going to be pleasant.

* * *

"Kory, no, don't get the wrong idea; Elvy is fine...I think...we just don't really know where he is at the moment." I dropped my head, not wanting to look into her eyes. I know they'd probably show relief for the fact that Elvy wasn't in immediate danger, but I didn't want to risk seeing her sad.

"I found him!" Garfield morphed back into his boy form and held the ferret up in his hands like a wrestler would hold up a prize belt that he/she'd just won. "The little rascal was hiding strategically underneath the sofa."

"Give him here," Kory shrieked. I cringed; she was obviously upset. "Elvy is not a play thing; he is not something that gets misplaced." I looked up and saw Kory standing right in front of me, cuddling a more than happy Elvy in her golden arms. "He is an animal; I am going to take him back with me into my room where I can give him the love and attention that he deserves."

That's when I knew that no, Elvy wasn't a ferret; he was the devil incarnate. And he was officially turning my girlfriend against me.

* * *

_**Three Weeks Ago**_

I heard Raven's shriek all the way in the training room, where I was currently counting my 109th consecutive chin-up. I immediately dropped down and rushed down the hall, trying to prepare myself for whatever danger waited for me behind her door. I punched in the override code and strode into her room ready to punch someone.

"What the hell?" I said, as I looked around the room and noticed nothing out of the ordinary. "I thought I heard you scream."

"You did," Raven admitted as she nodded toward a book that was lying on the ground. "Look in it."

"Raven, I don't know if-" I wanted to admit that I was a little frightened to open the book; when it comes to her and her things, you never really know what you're going to get. However, she abruptly interrupted me before I could even finish my statement.

"Just look in it."

I gulped and kneeled down on the floor beside the book. I looked at her a final time and her glare told me that she meant business, so I took a deep breath and flipped open the cover.

"That," she said sharply, "was the journal of Sarah Good. It was a first-person account of the Salem Witch Trials and she kept it all the way up until her death. It was one-of-a-kind and it was amazing that its condition was upheld for so long."

The detective in me wanted to question how the journal had come into her possession in the first place, but I decided that I had better not; she was already livid enough and I couldn't really blame her. I looked down at the journal's pages. They'd obviously been ripped up by something – and I had a feeling that its name started with an E.

"It has to go." Raven said to me, as calmly as she possibly could. "I don't even know how it got into my room, but it did and now it has to go."

I nodded, but I couldn't help but think that she was slightly over-reacting. Should the ferret have been in her room? No. She should have been leaving a priceless piece of literature lying on the floor? I wouldn't think so. "Raven, it has a name – Emperor Elvis III – and he stays. I'll make sure that he doesn't come into your room any more...hold on, do you hear that?" I listened carefully and heard the rustling of paper coming from behind her bookshelf. And that's where I found Elvy making a nest out of the scraps of paper that he'd torn out of Raven's book.

"Elvy, bad," I reprimanded him as I picked him up from behind the bookshelf. "No touching Raven's things."

Raven glared at me and I'm sure that if she knew how to perform curses, I'd definitely had been put under one that moment. I left her room as quickly as possible and made my way down the hall to mine. The entire time I tried to ignore the fact that it was gnawing on my finger like it hadn't eaten in days.

"Ouch," I said and dropped the ferret on my bed as soon as I entered my room. "That hurts like hell." I was even bleeding. The little bastard had drawn blood. I could have sworn that I saw it smiling at me. "You're evil." I glared.

"Who's evil?" I whipped around to meet Kory's beautiful doe eyes; I'd be lying if I said that they didn't put me in a trance. "Oh X'hal, Dick, you are injured!"

I shook my head and watched her cross over the room to me and take my finger into the palm of her hand.

"You are bleeding; what happened?"

I wanted to confess the truth to her, come clean. My mind was screaming, "It was Elvis; he's terrible. He bites me constantly and he has ruined Raven's book." But of course, that isn't what came out of my mouth. One, I didn't want to be the one to break it to her that her beloved Elvy was evil even by Trigon standards and two, I didn't want to admit that I'd been injured by a freaking ferret. So, the words that came out of my mouth were a little something like, "Oh, it's nothing, I just... paper cut. It's a paper cut. I'll be fine."

And Kory must have been quickly assured because the moment I finished my sentence she rushed up, picked up Elvy and gently hugged him. "I love you, Elvy."

* * *

"My finger hurts," Garfield stared at his finger. "Elvy bit me! Can you believe it?"

Everyone gave a unanimous, "yes" seeing as how they'd all been bitten –multiple times – by Dick's 'pet'. No finger was safe.

"Remind me why we're keeping him around," Gar asked Raven and myself. I assumed that he was being rhetorical, so I didn't bother answering; however, as I began walking over towards Victor and the mainframe, I overheard Raven whisper to him – rather loudly – that he should "be asking the Boy Wonder that question."

"Wanna know what I can't believe? I can't believe that little rodent successfully chewed through these wires and lived through it," Victor spoke from under the mainframe. "There was so much insulation and if that weren't enough, the voltage running through them could power NASA."

The cyborg was right; a lot of electricity ran through those wires. As I thought about it, the situation started to baffle me as well.

"It was only a matter of time before he moved on to bigger and better things," Garfield crossed his arms over his chest. "Which is both a good and bad thing; I don't think my Game Station could have handled any more abuse."

I, of course, know exactly what Gar is referring to.

* * *

_**Two Weeks Ago**_

"Hey man," Garfield approached me while I was drinking some coffee in the kitchen. "Wanna play the new Soul Calibur game with me? Mano y mano?"

I thought about it, but shook my head. It was going to be a busy day and as much as I hated turning down the opportunity to whoop Gar's ass in a round of controller-to-controller combat, I had to. Plus, Elvy had somehow gotten into the contents of my utility belt and had stolen a bulk of my lock picks and smoke pellets. I needed to find his nest to retrieve all of my items and there was no telling how long that was going to take. "Sorry Gar, I would really love to, but I can't. I have so much work to do."

"Suit yourself," he said, morphing into a monkey and leaping off toward the sofa. I turned my attention back to the Jump Daily Gazette and dived back into the article I had been reading. It was some fluff piece about a blind dog that actually had a seeing-eye-dog.

"OH MY GOD!" Gar yelled and it caused me to jump in my seat a bit. After my initial shock, I got up out of my seat and walked over to him.

"What's wrong?" Gar held his game controller in his hand and he looked like he was about to cry.

"They're ruined!" He tossed them both down on the sofa in a fit of anger. "Both of them, they're ruined."

I put up my hands, telling him that I wanted him to stop acting like a lunatic for a second and actually explain himself. "Whoa, calm down. How are they ruined?" And right as I said it, I knew. Gar didn't have to tell me anything; I got a gut feeling that Elvy had something, if not everything, to do with this.

"The cords, they've been chewed through!" He picked up one of the controllers and held the end of the cord in my face, just for theatrics. "Now what am I going to do?"

Now normally I would have just said, "tough luck" and gone back to my business, but I felt heavily responsible. It was my ferret, after all, and if I could have just kept my eye on it for 2 damn seconds instead of letting it bite me and then run away, then none of this would have happened. I told Kory that we needed a cage for him, but she insisted that keeping it in a cage would be a form of slavery and that she knew what it was like to be a slave and that she wouldn't wish that life upon anyone or anything. Of course, I dropped the subject; somehow, I just can't tell her no.

"Here Gar," I reached into my pocket and grabbed my wallet. I don't just hand anyone the Platinum Am Ex, but I felt that in this case, it was necessary. "Go buy two new controllers; I'm really sorry."

"That's not the point dude," Gar explained as he handed me back my card. "You have to do something about this. It's getting outta hand."

I ran a hand through my hair and nodded along, much like I did with Raven except this time, I was starting to come around. The ferret had been in the tower for two weeks and it had been nothing but absolute trouble. But how would I tell Kory that it had to go? How could I tell her that her precious Elvy – who _I_ was supposed to find precious as well – was actually a devil reincarnate?

"Hello boys," Kory said as entered the room all smiles and giggles. "What's going on?"

"We were just talking about how Elvy bit through my -" I quickly slapped my hand across his mouth before Gar could finish his statement. Just then, as if he'd heard his name being called, Elvy appeared from out behind the mainframe and rushed in Kory's direction.

"Oh but Gar, you must be mistaken! Elvy doesn't bite!" I wanted to snort in sarcasm because my fingers were covered with bites from the little monster. "He's the sweetest thing on Earth, aren't you Elvy? Dick, tell Gar that Elvy would never do such a thing." As Kory cuddled him, I realized that I couldn't take away any of her happiness; I had to oblige her wishes. _I had to._

"Garfield, you don't know what you're talking about. Elvy would never do such a thing." I said it in a monotone voice, but Kory didn't seem to notice the difference and rushed out of the room, ferret in tow. I breathed a sigh of relief; at least I didn't have to worry about trying to find him, he rarely left Kory's side. I looked at Garfield, who in turn, was glaring at me with a look of pure hatred.

"I hate you."

"What?" I asked, obviously knowing the answer.

"For someone so fearless in the field, it's so pathetic that you can't handle one chick." And he was right, but I'll be damned if my pride was going to allow him to know that.

* * *

It was official, now. The ferret had to go. I feared that if I didn't get rid of Elvy, then the rest of the team would leave and had a feeling that Kory, Elvy and I wouldn't make the best crime fighting team. No, I needed to stick to my guns and face my fears... I was going to have to break Kory's heart.

As I walked toward her bedroom, I kept picturing the impending doom in my head. I had no doubt in my mind that tears would be involved – she might even throw something at me. Of course, Elvy would bite me and draw blood, but my fingers were used to it by now. Worst case scenario: she'll be so distraught by the idea that I hate her birthday present, that she will dump me and I'll remain a virgin forever.

That thought actually makes me shudder – best to not think about that one again.

I look up and see the name tag on the metal door, 'Starfire.' I sigh and say out loud, "here goes nothing."

I knock loudly. "Kory, it's me, Dick. May I come in?"

"You may enter." Her tone indicates that she still isn't particularly happy with me right now; I should definitely proceed with caution.

"Kory, we really need to talk..."

"I already know, Dick." Kory hung her head. "There is no need to inform me."

When she spoke those words, I actually – for a brief moment – allowed myself to believe that she already knew what I needed to say. That I didn't need to speak one more single word; that we were on the same page and that my job was done.

"I'm really sorry, Kor. If it's any consolation, I personally adore Elvy."

I internally cringed at my lie; I really didn't like being a dishonest person, but this was for her own good…right?

"I know; it is going to be sad to see him go." Kory looked at Elvy who was running circles on her bedspread. "Do you think we can add a memorial for him in the basement?"

She lost me. "Memorial in the basement…what?"

"You are right, it is too silly. I just thought that since he was our first pet, that he should forever be memorialized. He will die a very noble death."

That was when I realized that I was stupid and that she really didn't understand anything at all. I don't know why I let myself relish in that last moment. Communication is **never** that easy when Kory was involved.

"Kory, Elvy isn't dying..."

"He is not? I thought that I had heard you mention something about electricity and he being shocked?"

Had I said that out loud? I don't even remember Kory being in the room when I thought it, let alone say it.

"This is amazing news!" She leaped up and hugged my neck; officially making me feel like the biggest piece of crap on the planet. My stomach began to twist into knots and she noticed. "Dick, what is the matter?"

I began to sweat, or at least I felt as though I were beginning to sweat. "Uhm," I stuttered. "Yeah, uh, I don't really know how to say this, but uhm..." I needed to just spit it out; it was the only way to say it comprehensively.

"Elvy isn't going to die, but he can't stay in the tower anymore either. He's just..." I stopped in order to choose different wording. "He's destroyed so much property so far and we've only had him for a month."

"He has destroyed property? Why have I not become aware of this before now?" Her voice was starting to rise and I couldn't tell if she was mad because I was forcing her to get rid of Emperor Elvis or if she was mad because she knew I was keeping stuff from her. "What all has he destroyed?"

"Aside from my fingers," I mumbled inaudibly to myself before clearing my throat and continuing on with the more tangible list. "Well, one of Raven's books, Gar's video game controllers, the mainframe, and he's been weaseling around in my utility belt and hiding my lock picks." I hid my hands behind my back just in case she'd put two and two together about the bite marks.

Both Kory and I looked over at Elvy, who was trying to burrow into her comforter.

"I am so shocked to hear all of this; I wish you would have informed me sooner of Elvy's debauchery." Kory was obviously upset - not with Elvis, which she should have been, but with me. "I am disappointed in you, Dick."

"Yeah, but uhm... you see..." I stuttered, desperately grasping at straws; buying time and hoping that she didn't get angrier. I squeezed my eyes tightly shut and braced myself for the outpour of emotions that was about to come my way.

"If you would have told me all of this sooner, we could have gotten rid of that...that snarflarg a week ago!"

As she kept talking I opened my eyes and then shook my head in disbelief, wondering if I'd heard her correctly. Snarflarg definitely doesn't sound like a term of endearment to me; her tone didn't suggest that it was, either.

"I do wish you would have told me sooner. I did not wish to mention anything to you because I thought you were...well...attached. Is that the correct word?"

Her words were music to my ears; however, something was keeping my inquisitive mind from wrapping around them. "Wait." I said as I scratched the top of my head in sheer confusion. "Are you saying that you wanted to get rid of Elvy a week ago?"

"Of course!" she exclaimed as if it were the simplest answer in the world. I watched her as she immediately began to frantically scramble around the room and gather the random ferret toys that had been tossed around on her floor. "I am so sorry, Dick. I know you love him, but he just has to go."

"And you were only pretending to like him because you thought that I wouldn't be able to part with him?"

Kory stopped moving, looked up at me and then immediately looked down at her feet. I knew her emotions like the back of my hand; she was feeling ashamed about what she'd said. It was as if everything she'd just told me were insensitive or cruel, but if she only knew.

She responded with a low and slightly mumbled, "yes" before tearing her eyes away from her feet and fixing them upon the monster still playing underneath her comforter.

"Kory..."

As soon as she looked at me, I felt the air begin to slip from my lips and pretty soon, I was grabbing my stomach in a fit of laughter. I knew that she was probably confused by my reaction, but I just couldn't help it.

"Dick, is this situation with Elvy that humorous to you?"

"Kor, you have absolutely **no** idea!"

I forced myself to stop laughing for a brief moment. The glare in her eyes was not one of humor or satisfaction; however, for some strange reason, it made me want to laugh even more. I couldn't help but wonder what exactly Elvy did to her, but I pushed the idea aside - I'd ask later. All I could do now was laugh. So I did.

* * *

**Final Note:** I know the ending is a little…lacking. Actually, it's pretty effing bad and I apologize. I have been toggling with it for months and months and months, but honestly, I just wanted to go ahead and post the story and start getting some critiques so that maybe I could be motivated to start writing on my other story, **Home.** I was tired of wasting all of my brainstorming time thinking about it. I am thinking of adding an epilogue to this if ever a proper ending strikes me—which I am sure it will as long as I'm not stressing over it. If any reader wants to e-mail me any particular ending that they'd like to see, I'd be more than happy to consider it and give you full credit for the idea. I hope you enjoyed the story and got a laugh or two. So please review – good or bad; reviews really do motivate me to do more and at the risk of sounding like a review whore, I really do need that motivation right now. Thanks!


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